Mar 6, 2010 7
Led Zeppelin, Blowjobs, & Unicorns: Responses to the 100 OVERRATED THINGS Blog
Wow. So, not only was my last blog, 100 COMPLETELY OVERRATED THINGS, one of my biggest blogs ever (for the record, the biggest was 50 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE COCKSUCKER IN A COMPLIMENT), it generated a huge amount of controversy. I never in a million years would have imagined I’d be getting hate mail because I don’t like watermelon. But there you have it. Here are, in order, the 20 things most often bitched about by you guys in the comments and messages on MySpace, Facebook, my web site, and Twitter: 1. Blowjobs 2. Ellen Page 3. SAY ANYTHING 4. Jazz 5. Chocolate 6. Led Zeppelin 7. Jeff Buckley 8. Unicorns 9. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS 10. THE ROAD WARRIOR 11. ALMOST FAMOUS 12. Kevin Spacey 13. The West Wing 14. THE SWEET HEREAFTER 15. Girl Scout Cookies 16. Iamhascheeseburger.com 17. The Bible 18. In-N-Out Burgers 19. Californication 20. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION Admittedly, I was surprised that more people were outraged by my dissing of the LOL cats than the Bible, but I suppose that’s where people’s priorities are these days. 
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Of the movies that you guys got angry about, only one (ALMOST FAMOUS) do I think actually sucks. The others are just a bit mundane and, well, overrated – not really bad. I THINK ELLEN PAGE IS A DECENT ACTRESS, but I think she’s being wildly praised in films where the cast around her is as good if not superior (Patrick Wilson in HARD CANDY, for instance). Far and away the most often contested Overrated Thing was blowjobs. So let’s get one thing straight – I LOVE BLOWJOBS I wouldn’t have sat through thousands of them if I didn’t. But where I come from in the Mid-West they are treated like the sexual Holy Grail. To me, they will never compare to the wonderful joys of actual fucking, and they’re a bit overrated in comparison to the underrated handjob which, if applied well, can be a mind blowing experience. Also, women who can give a great blowjob are few and far between. If you think you are one of the few women who give an amazing blowjob, you are, statistically, probably not. That said, I really appreciate the couple dozen women who offered to give me a blowjob to show me what I was missing. But, believe it or not, I’ve found that any form of sex that’s been generated from one of my MySpace lists has been a bad idea. My brother Brian’s reaction to the blowjob outrage was a bit different: “Apparently, some guys like blowjobs more when her mouth can fit around your cock.” ON LED ZEPPELIN Yeah, I hate ‘em. I think they’re bombastic in all the worst ways. Also, their frilly clothing is ugly. However, this is only part of why they’re near the top of my OVERRATED list. The other part is that this “classic” rock band “who changed the face of popular music” were out and out thieves who stole most of their early classic songs. When everyone came down on James Frey a couple years ago for inventing part of his autobiography, A MILLION LITTLE PIECES, at least that fucker came up with it himself. Zeppelin directly stole from other struggling artists and took songwriting credit themselves. They will forever be complete pieces of shit to me who deserve absolutely no accolades. They are a glorified cover band. This isn’t some undocumented claim I’m making. Led Zep were sued by many of these artists. They had to pay residuals to them, and credit them on all reissues of their albums. That this isn’t common knowledge by rock and roll fans is a crime. From Wilson & Allroy’s Record Reviews, here’s just a partial lists of songs Led Zeppelin stole from other artists: * "Babe I’m Gonna Leave You" – A folk song by Anne Bredon, this was originally credited as "traditional, arranged by Jimmy Page," then "words and music by Jimmy Page," and then, following legal action, "Bredon/Page/Plant." * "Black Mountain Side" – uncredited version of a traditional folk tune previously recorded by Bert Jansch. * "Bring It On Home" – the first section is an uncredited cover of the Willie Dixon tune (as performed by the imposter Sonny Boy Williamson). * "Communication Breakdown" – apparently derived from Eddie Cochran’s "Nervous Breakdown." * "Custard Pie" – uncredited cover of Bukka White’s "Shake ‘Em On Down," with lyrics from Sleepy John Estes’s "Drop Down Daddy." * "Dazed And Confused" – uncredited cover of the Jake Holmes song (see The Above Ground Sound Of Jake Holmes). * "Hats Off To (Roy) Harper" – uncredited version of Bukka White’s "Shake ‘Em On Down." * "How Many More Times" – Part one is an uncredited cover of the Howlin’ Wolf song (available on numerous compilations). Part two is an uncredited cover of Albert King’s "The Hunter." * "In My Time Of Dying" – uncredited cover of the traditional song (as heard on Bob Dylan’s debut). * "The Lemon Song" – uncredited cover of Howlin’ Wolf’s "Killing Floor" – Wolf’s publisher sued Zeppelin in the early 70s and settled out of court. * "Moby Dick" – written and first recorded by Sleepy John Estes under the title "The Girl I Love," and later covered by Bobby Parker. * "Nobody’s Fault But Mine" – uncredited cover of the Blind Willie Johnson blues. * "Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You" – lyrics are the same as Moby Grape’s "Never," though the music isn’t similar. * "Stairway To Heaven" – the main guitar line is apparently from "Taurus" by Spirit. * "White Summer" – uncredited cover of Davey Graham’s "She Moved Through The Fair." * "Whole Lotta Love" – lyrics are from the Willie Dixon blues "You Need Love." You can hear some of these original tunes from links HERE. ON UNICORNS I really didn’t expect so many of you to be upset with my choice of the number one most overrated thing in the world. You are adults, right? Your complaints usually came down to one of three things: 1) The original unicorns weren’t just horse with horns, they actually had lions’ tails and cloven hooves. I don’t know why you would think this makes them so much cooler. A griffin has a FUCKING EAGLE’S HEAD ON A LION’S BODY. Now that’s a mythological creature I can get behind. Adding a couple crow fingernails and a hawk’s beak wouldn’t make much of a difference to me. 2) Children LOVE unicorns, so they can’t be overrated. I don’t know if you’ve talked to any children lately, but they basically have the minds of RETARDED ADULTS. The thoughts and opinions of children are in and of themselves vastly overrated. Have you tried to sit through Teletubbies sober? It’s fucking unbearable. Nearly 100% of that show’s non-intoxicated audience is CHILDREN. Let’s call a spade a spade: Children are morons. The younger they get, the more idiotic they are. Infants are like drooling vegetables. As long as we’re listening to their opinions on unicorns, why don’t we take in their thoughts on the struggles in the Middle East? 3) I wore a “Real Men Love Unicorns” shirt in an episode of SCREAM QUEENS. Well, this certainly makes me a HYPOCRITE, but it doesn’t make unicorns any less overrated. AS FOR CHOCOLATE It is less gay to suck a dick than it is to be one of the many men who complained about chocolate being on this list. AS FOR JAZZ All right… “blues” is probably more overrated than jazz. But you know what? It’s not nearly as funny. Bye, James __________________________________ Know when I’m drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shit, or listening to a story by Mary Matthews about how a monkey jerked off to completion on a child on the set of MAX KEEBLE’S BIG MOVE on TWITTER. This is wonderful! I’m on FACEBOOK!
