May 14, 2009
The 10 Worst Remakes of All Time
The results of the new Twitter poll are in: this morning you voted on the Worst Remakes of All-Time. Again, I defined "worst" as "greatest decline in quality from the film it’s remaking." Here we go:
1. PSYCHO (1998) from PSYCHO (1960)
2. THE WICKER MAN (2006) from THE WICKER MAN (1973)
3. THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) from THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)
4. PLANET OF THE APES (2001) from PLANET OF THE APES (1968)
5. GODZILLA (1998): from GODZILLA (1954)
6. THE FOG (2005) from THE FOG (1980)
7. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005) from WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
8. HALLOWEEN (2007) from HALLOWEEN (2008)
9. THE HAUNTING (1999) from THE HAUNTING (1963)
10. GUESS WHO (2005) from GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER (1967) (tie)
10. THE OMEN (2006) from THE OMEN (1976) (tie)
10. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2004) (tie)
HONORABLE MENTION: Death Race, The Wiz, Last House on the Left, Rollerball, The Ladykillers, The Women, The Truth About Charlie. (For the record, my own remake, Dawn of the Dead, received at least one sincere vote).
It’s important to note that this is not MY list, it’s merely the results of the voting. Many of the movies on this list I haven’t seen (the WICKER MAN and most of PSYCHO among them). There are a lot of things I like about Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN, and a few things I like about THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, so I wouldn’t put them on the list. I think CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY is shitty, and the original movie was great, but I’m still not sure I think it’s bad enough to make this list. I do think the other Tim Burton film here, however, PLANET OF THE APES, deserves it’s place on the list, as it’s a truly terrible movie from a semi-classic original. And I think GODZILLA is utter tripe (although the original isn’t as good as APES) – but I can’t fully and fairly dismiss it because I walked out of the theater before it was halfway through.
Here are five movies I wish had made this list:
1. GREYSTOKE, THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, LORD OF THE APES (1984) from TARZAN: THE APE MAN (1932)
As a child, I was a big TARZAN fan. I went to see this movie, which was my first experience of a cinematic Hot Carl.
2. HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS! (2000) from HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (1966)
I don’t think it’s really fair to put this movie on this list, considering it’s a remake of a TV special, not a film — but, what the hell — the original Grinch was one of the most important works of my childhood; the resultant film, however, is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.
3. SABRINA (1995) from SABRINA (1954)
I’m a huge Billy Wilder fan. I don’t think SABRINA was one of his most successful works, but this insipid remake was a travesty.
4. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) from THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
This movie was a lot less despised than I think it deserved: it was a boring, illogical mess, and the original is a classic.
5. THE LONGEST YARD (2005) from THE LONGEST YARD (1974)
And, believe it or not, I like almost every single Adam Sandler movie. This one’s unbearable, and doesn’t help itself out with a major role by Chris Rock, a very funny comedian who unfortunately is the acting version of a Cleavland Steamer. The original, however, is one of my favorite sports films.
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May 14th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
One good thing about TCM was ‘Song to the Siren’ in the opening(?) credits :)
May 14th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
All right guys, I can see bumming out on Oldboy, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and Adventures in Babysitting – but Clue is a fucking horrible film. Remaking it in a slightly worse than mediocre version would be an enormous improvement.
Droidguy – Saying Halloween is better than the Thing, The Fly, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, etc, seems wrong. Also, they may not be saying it’s a remake of Oldboy, but it wouldn’t be getting made if not for Oldboy – and it’s still a remake, as many remakes are simply reinterpretations of the original source.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
About the Oldboy remake: It’s not a remake of Oldboy, it’s a re-adaptation of the comic book, and from what I understand, the movie is only 25% faithful to the comic. Doesn’t make it a better idea, but it’s not going to be treading the same ground as Park Chan Wook’s film.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I didn’t see your poll, so I didn’t get to vote. My opinions on the ones listed here:
Psycho (1998): Lame, but a fascinating curiosity of cinema. I don’t hold very many hateful grudges when it comes to terrible filmmaking decisions, so I think the remake is kind of oddly interesting, like a science experiment, and I don’t just blindly hate it because it’s a bad remake of Psycho.
The Wicker Man (2006): Holy shit, what a terrible fucking movie. I don’t know what a single person involved in this movie could have possibly been thinking.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008): I have yet to see the original, sadly, and I thought this looked horrible (I avoided it in theaters) but I ended up getting it on DVD to review and I thought it was far better than its reputation. Similar to Psycho, you can’t let your love for the original play a huge part in judging the actual film itself. It’s no masterpiece, but it’s not terrible.
Planet of the Apes (2001): Didn’t see all of it but what I saw was stupid.
Godzilla (1998): Terrible, but it has Jean Reno in it, which invariably makes it at least a little better.
The Fog (2005): Abominable. Good picture choice, though.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005): I liked it. Not perfect, but enjoyable to me. I didn’t grow up on the original, though.
Halloween (2007): The most unfairly maligned remake in recent history, and probably (this isn’t saying much) the best horror remake thus far. However, I think the purpose of remaking Halloween is to get to make a sequel to the Halloween remake, and that’s where we’ll see where Rob’s ideas are really going.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003): Weak. Jessica Biel in a wifebeater and jeans is the only reason to watch it. Also the John Larroquette narration at the beginning and end is awesome.
The Grinch (2000): I laughed a couple of times. Jim Carrey’s rendition of the song is good as well. Otherwise, bad.
The Manchurian Candidate (2004): I liked it. It’s not the original, but it’s very good. That said, I haven’t felt compelled to watch it in about five years, so maybe I’d feel differently if I’d just revisited it.
The Longest Yard (2005): I haven’t seen the original, but this is easily my least favorite Adam Sandler movie. Oh, so bad.
Did not see The Haunting (1999), Guess Who (2005), The Omen (2006), Greystroke, The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes (1984), or Sabrina (1995).
May 14th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Great Scott!!! I hope they don’t remake Clue. I can see it now bad teenie pop music playing in the back ground while Miley Cyrus, the great actress that she is, tries to pull off Ms. White while Madeline Kahn rolls over in her grave.
This is even more blasphemous than the rumored remake of Adventures in Babysitting staring that fat chick from that Disney show That’s So Raven.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
The original Ladykillers is one of my all-time favorite movies. The remake made me want to cry. But otherwise, I completely agree with all of these. It’s unfortunate that major movie studios feel the need to remake classics with their talentless excuses for actors in order to make a quick buck. Other’s I’d add to the list: House of Wax, The Women, and City of Angles (remake of Wings of Desire). I’ve heard rumors that there are thoughts about remaking Clue and Breakfast At Tiffany’s, let’s hope that never happens.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Oh man, I’m just all kinds of wrong today!
I was sure I’d heard it somewhere (DotD that is), but I am beginning to fear the heard was more a read, and the somewhere was more like the internet.
As I say, feels far more like homage than a remake, and totally dig the way you went about it, as like you say it means they both work as seperate entities. The original has always been a real favourite of mine, and it’s one of the very, very few remakes I like.
And to answer Aisura304 there, indeed, Oldboy is happening. Spielberg and Smith back together to make that… Despite some of the really odd remake choices, that almost takes the… everything up for offer in reward for idiotic plans.
May 14th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Kitty, I can’t agree about disliking the original Wonka…. But, I will say this: that thing scared the living shit out of me when I was little. I had seen movies like The Howling and The Thing … and I enjoyed the “thrills” but never got upset.
Then: the FUCKING OOMAPH LOOMAHS.
I mean, come on: weird, orange slaves that emerge from the bowels of a mad man’s factory and SING AS THEY GREASE CHILDREN TO EXPLODE!?!? I saw the thing at day camp and told a counselor how upsetting I found it … and she said “well she was being greedy.” I left, nodding. But felt MUCH worse deep down. Cause, hell, I’m greedy sometimes.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I heard (and it could be completely false, I don’t know) that they were going to remake the Korean movie Old Boy. Don’t know if you have seen it or not but just the thought of a remake enrages me to no end. I also heard that Will Smith is suppose to play the lead, which makes me want to dig my fingernails into whoever eyes that thought that would be a good idea.
May 14th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Ross – I loved the new Star Trek.