May 14, 2009
The 10 Worst Remakes of All Time
The results of the new Twitter poll are in: this morning you voted on the Worst Remakes of All-Time. Again, I defined "worst" as "greatest decline in quality from the film it’s remaking." Here we go:
1. PSYCHO (1998) from PSYCHO (1960)
2. THE WICKER MAN (2006) from THE WICKER MAN (1973)
3. THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) from THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)
4. PLANET OF THE APES (2001) from PLANET OF THE APES (1968)
5. GODZILLA (1998): from GODZILLA (1954)
6. THE FOG (2005) from THE FOG (1980)
7. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005) from WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
8. HALLOWEEN (2007) from HALLOWEEN (2008)
9. THE HAUNTING (1999) from THE HAUNTING (1963)
10. GUESS WHO (2005) from GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER (1967) (tie)
10. THE OMEN (2006) from THE OMEN (1976) (tie)
10. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2004) (tie)
HONORABLE MENTION: Death Race, The Wiz, Last House on the Left, Rollerball, The Ladykillers, The Women, The Truth About Charlie. (For the record, my own remake, Dawn of the Dead, received at least one sincere vote).
It’s important to note that this is not MY list, it’s merely the results of the voting. Many of the movies on this list I haven’t seen (the WICKER MAN and most of PSYCHO among them). There are a lot of things I like about Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN, and a few things I like about THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, so I wouldn’t put them on the list. I think CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY is shitty, and the original movie was great, but I’m still not sure I think it’s bad enough to make this list. I do think the other Tim Burton film here, however, PLANET OF THE APES, deserves it’s place on the list, as it’s a truly terrible movie from a semi-classic original. And I think GODZILLA is utter tripe (although the original isn’t as good as APES) – but I can’t fully and fairly dismiss it because I walked out of the theater before it was halfway through.
Here are five movies I wish had made this list:
1. GREYSTOKE, THE LEGEND OF TARZAN, LORD OF THE APES (1984) from TARZAN: THE APE MAN (1932)
As a child, I was a big TARZAN fan. I went to see this movie, which was my first experience of a cinematic Hot Carl.
2. HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS! (2000) from HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (1966)
I don’t think it’s really fair to put this movie on this list, considering it’s a remake of a TV special, not a film — but, what the hell — the original Grinch was one of the most important works of my childhood; the resultant film, however, is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.
3. SABRINA (1995) from SABRINA (1954)
I’m a huge Billy Wilder fan. I don’t think SABRINA was one of his most successful works, but this insipid remake was a travesty.
4. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (2004) from THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
This movie was a lot less despised than I think it deserved: it was a boring, illogical mess, and the original is a classic.
5. THE LONGEST YARD (2005) from THE LONGEST YARD (1974)
And, believe it or not, I like almost every single Adam Sandler movie. This one’s unbearable, and doesn’t help itself out with a major role by Chris Rock, a very funny comedian who unfortunately is the acting version of a Cleavland Steamer. The original, however, is one of my favorite sports films.
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May 14th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I’m surprised that the 2005 remake of King Kong or the 1999 remake of The Mummy didn’t make it on the list. Cause both of those remakes were crap. And for those who are still questioning Hollywood’s sanity, they are making a Mummy 4, so tear you eyes out now and save your sanity.
Also I hated Meet Joe Black, which was a remake of Death takes a Holiday.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I have a friend who hates Dawn of the Dead, but she always complains about Zack Snyder’s directing, not your writing.
And the thing about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is that I think it was made for people who didn’t like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I hated the original, but I enjoyed the remake and I’ve met a few people who feel the same way.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Maybe I just had some bad chili and was hallucinating, but I could’ve sworn they remade It’s A Wonderful Life with Marlo Thomas. If so, that tops my list. Poseidon was pretty crappy too. They remade Halloween a year after each the original?…..and yeah I’m just being a wise ass as I know that’s just a typo. And how dare anyone criticize any film featuring Maggie Grace dammit! An
May 14th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I’m surprised there’s no Get Carter. And sad not to see the Bad News Bears.
I’d tell anyone to give the original Bears a re-watch. It’s a really great movie. The comedy is crass, hysterical, offensive and yet that always totally goodhearted; I kinda think Tanner is the spiritual father of Eric Cartman. Even more surprising is that the damn flick is subtle and affecting in dramatic moments — in particular the way it deals with the relationship between the driven coach and his son (which culminates in a moment of violence) is just brilliant.
Of course, sitting through the remake was like watching Paris Hilton play Lady Macbeth. Or something.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I love these poll blogs, keep ‘em up. I was also a huge Tarzan fan as a child and would love to see a decent modernization.
May 14th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I hope you don’t think mine was the sincere vote for Dawn of the Dead. I was just kidding. STOP CRYING!
May 14th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I like Charlie & The cocolate Factory :’(
BTW, did you see ‘Mean Machine’, the british, Guy Ritchie produced remake of ‘The Longest Yard’, starring Vinnie Jones? It’s definitely better than the Adam Sandler version (which came out a few years after this.)
May 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Wow. Not only had I forgotten The Wicker Man (like Planet of the Apes,I’m not really a fan of the original but can tell the remake is an abomination), but hadn’t remembered that Owen Wilson was in the remake of The Haunting. I watched that when it came out and was really disappointed, which given it’s almost shot for shot says something, but most definitely didn’t remember it having him… Sort of changes how I think of it.
Of your picks, The Manchurian Candidate is one I just hadn’t known had been afflicted… One of those total ‘wtf?’ cases. Was it really even remotely necessary? As for Adam Sandler vehicles, I’m off the mostly hate camp. Only one I can stand is Punch Drunk Love, but I can’t say he’d come close to my pickfor casting a remake of Longest Yard.
I wish I had a clue what the hell was going through the minds of Hollywood Execs… Or what minds I’m left believing they may have.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Wait, wait…
You’re never seen the ORIGINAL Wicker Man?
SEE IT!!! Seriously.
Brilliant.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
The Longest Yard, YES! I love the original, the remake is such crap.