JamesGunn.com – Official Website for James Gunn

Sure, Jesus has done a lot of incredible stuff.  I hear people talking about it all the time: “Thank you, Jesus, for this meal we’re about to eat,” or “Wow, the Grand Canyon is just astounding – how can you look at that and not believe in God?”   I’m not denying Jesus all that good shit.  I’m way into many of his works.  But if he’s responsible for the good, you can’t just let him slide on the bad, can you?  There are A LOT of things that piss me off as well.  Here are just a few:

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THE ART OF BED, BATH, AND BEYOND

One great thing about living in a big city like Los Angeles is being able to experience culture at such an intense level. This weekend, Terra Naomi and I were lucky enough to take a trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond on Ventura, where we came upon the most wonderful collection of art I’ve ever witnessed. Terra took photos of many of the finest works. I thought I’d share these with all of you:

I think this piece is just wonderful. It’s entitled, ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BED, BATH, AND BEYOND? AKA WHO IN THE WORLD BUYS THIS SHIT?’

This is one of the first pieces that caught my eye. It’s called, ‘LET’S SEE HOW UGLY WE CAN MAKE SOMETHING.’

I’m not usually into ‘message’ pieces, but this piece is different: ‘THIS BRIDGE IS POORLY PAINTED, BUT IF WE PUT SOME OTHER BULLSHIT AROUND IT MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE.’

This piece is truly remarkable. It’s called ‘LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING I’D STARE AT IN MY DRUNK UNCLE’S GAME ROOM WHILE HE’S MOLESTING ME.’

I was honestly surprised by the title of this one, ‘FUCK YOU, EVE, YOU TALENTLESS BITCH.’ The title seems to give off a negative vibe when the painting is rather upbeat. But I think it’s that contrast that gives the piece some of its power.

Ah. Wow. This one slayed me. They called it ‘LET’S TAKE AN OLD MAGAZINE COVER THAT WASN’T THAT INTERESTING IN THE FIRST PLACE AND CALL IT ART. NEXT, I’M GOING TO SPREAD MY ASSHOLE ON A COPY MACHINE, COPY IT, AND CALL THAT ART TOO.’

This one is called, ‘CUNT WITH POOP COMING OUT OF IT.’

The name of this is, ‘I’M ACTUALLY HAVING A HARD TIME MAKING FUN OF THIS ONE BECAUSE IT LOOKS VERY MUCH LIKE SOMETHING MY MOTHER MIGHT HAVE IN MY FAMILY’S LAKE HOME.’

This one is called, ‘TERRA TOOK A PHOTO OF HERSELF IN THE SIDE OF MY CAR AND THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE A PIECE OF BED, BATH, AND BEYOND ART. SHE’S WRONG. IT LOOKS BETTER.’

This one is provocatively entitled, ‘I TOOK SOME SHIT AND THREW IT DOWN ON A SNACK TRAY AND NOW I’M GOING TO SELL IT TO A MORON.’

I have to admit. This one didn’t affect me at first. And then, bam, all of a sudden, I was standing there, weeping. It’s called, ‘IMAGINE ME HOLDING YOU DOWN AND RAPING YOUR MOUTH. ARE YOU IMAGINING IT? OK, NOW TURN IT INTO A PAINTING.’

The artist of this took a humanitarian trip to Darfur, where he saw human beings committing incredible injustices upon their fellow men. In light of this, he created perhaps Bed, Bath, and Beyond’s most powerful work: ‘COLLECTION OF RED THINGAMAJIGS OFFENDING MY SENSIBILITIES.’

I feel so fortunate that I was able to experience these pieces, and was able to purchase a few of them for as low as $39.95. I’m looking forward to experiencing some other cultural institutions in the near future, like the Z Gallery and Successories. I’ll be sure to let you know about it here.

Go fuck yourselves,

James

ALIEN.  ROSEMARY’S BABY.  INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.  THE THING.  We’ve had a few great horror films over the past fifty years, but not a one of them is scary as this shit.  These are all "professionally" retouched photos of little girls by real companies on the web.  

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50 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE A COCKSUCKER IN A COMPLIMENT

By James Gunn

1.      You are the best cocksucker in the world.

2.      Hey, cocksucker, hand me a beer… Wow, thanks!  You did a really great job of handing that to me, cocksucker.

3.      You know what a cocksucker like you is good for?  Everything.  I fucking love you so much.

4.      Hey, cocksucker, you RAWK!

5.      Cocksucker, come here for a minute.  Look at this picture I drew.  It’s you.  Look how handsome you are.

6.      You are a sneaky little thieving cocksucker, which is a trait I find appealing in a person.

7.      I’m happy you’re alive, cocksucker.  If the ambulance arrived even a second later, you’d be fucking dead.

8.      Guess what, cocksucker? (Point to yourself, then draw a heart in the air, then point to the person.)

9.      Cocksucker, have you been working out?!

10. We’re having a few people over after the show, but don’t tell anybody, because we can’t invite everyone, cocksucker.  Just our closest friends.  Definitely don’t tell Fillion, ’cause he’ll tell fucking everyone.

11. When I look at you I can only think "cocksucker." But that’s just because I only imagine really attractive people sucking my cock.

12. He only makes those snide comments because he feels insecure around you, you cocksucker.

13. Hi.  I know you’re not home right now, but I thought I’d leave you a message anyway.  I just arrived at the hotel room in Venice.  I’m looking out the window at the sun setting over the Ponte Vecchio.  The lights, the Italian people, the architecture – it’s all completely, overwhelmingly beautiful.  And I – I swear to God, I’m crying right now – the only thing that would make this moment more perfect is if you were with me, cocksucker.  You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I want you to know that.

14. You remind me of this cocksucker I saw the other day.  She’s a porn star.  She’s really, really pretty.

15. Hey, look up in the sky. (A plane is up there skywriting, "Will you marry me, cocksucker?" And I’m the one who hired it.)

16. Well, I tell you, I’ve been a tailor now for forty years, and you don’t come across a perfect size two very often.  And you, my dear cocksucker, are a perfect size two.  You could make a lot of money as a fit model.

17. Cocksucker, honestly, it really is not that much cellulite.  If you hadn’t pointed it out, I would have never noticed.

18. ‘Oh, right!  If anyone’s an idiot, it’s you!  Of course!  You’re the dumbest cocksucker I’ve ever met!’ (Said sarcastically.)

19. Honestly, cocksucker, I love all your accomplishments in life – your career, this big fancy house.  But nothing makes me prouder to be your father than when I see how loving you are to your cocksucking wife and kids.

20. For a driver’s license picture, cocksucker, that looks pretty good.  I’d fuck that person.

21. Ha!  Look at you, you little cocksucker, hanging upside down and getting that bird seed like you’re fucking MacGyver!  You are one resourceful little fuck!  (For squirrels only.)

22. So THIS cocksucker shows up at the Halloween party in this elaborate costume, only no one knew who in the fuck he was supposed to be.  He’s wearing this fucking – it’s like a fucking sailor costume or something.  Rooker and I start arguing over whether he’s supposed to be fucking Donald Duck or one of the Village People.  Is there even a sailor in the Village People?  I can’t remember.  Anyway, then we notice this cocksucker has pantyhose filled with socks on his forearms.  We’re like… what?  It looked like some sort of fucking lumpy disease.  I’m serious!  We’re like, Are you supposed to be, like, Jason, or Freddy, or Leatherface or one of these fucks!?  He’s like, no – get this – he’s SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING POPEYE!  The lumpy disease is supposed to be his fucking muscular forearms!  What a fucking moron!  Oh my God, it was the worst fucking costume I’ve ever seen!  But, Jesus, you got to hand it to this cocksucker – he puts his fucking all into it!

23. Even though Mom’s still alive, Grandma, I feel like YOU’RE my Mom, because you’re the one who really raised me, you sweet old wrinkly cocksucker.

24. Okay, out of all of us dudes here – we’re all straight guys, I’m not saying anybody isn’t – but I’d imagine YOU would be the best cocksucker.  Not that you would ever really do it.  But, if you did, I think you’d be really good at it.

25. Look at you, you little cocksucker, rockin’ the Sponge Bob Underoos!  In fifteen years you are going to be HOT!

26. God has a special purpose for you, cocksucker.

27. Hey, cocksucker, here’s I mug I bought for you. (The mug says "World’s Greatest Dad" on it.)

28. Sweet ink, cocksucker.  If I had the courage, I’d tattoo a giant tiger ripping out of my ribcage too.

29. And that’s why I’m incredibly honored to be awarding the Medal of Valor to this cocksucker over here.

30. Ugly?  You cocksucker!  You are NOT ugly!  If you weren’t my sister, I’d fuck the living shit out of you.

31.  No one needs to feel sorry for Piccolo.  Piccolo’s in parakeet heaven now and for her three years of life she had the best Mommy in the world… of course I mean YOU, you silly cocksucker! 

32. Let’s admit it, I’m not really that fond of people.  I think of most people as cocksuckers, and I use that term pejoratively.  But when I call you a cocksucker, cocksucker, I mean it in an endearing way, like how a black person will call his friends niggers.

33. Cocksucker, you would do really great on Jeopardy.  Honestly, you seriously ought to go down there and apply.  If sports come up, you’re fucked.  You don’t know jack shit about sports.  But you’re a whiz at everything else!  Seriously – it’d be like free exposure for your acting career.

34. Wow.  My cat never likes anybody!  And look at him just rubbing up against you, you cocksucker.

35. Some people wear fat well.  Like you, cocksucker.

36. LOL, cocksucker.  BEST txt evah!

37. You draw Wolverine way better than any of the other kids in class, cocksucker.

38. Here, cocksucker, I have a movie to show you.  It’s called Murderball.  I’m showing it to you, cocksucker, because even though you’ve lost the use of your legs, you don’t have to give up.  You always were athletic.  I mean, now, I guess you’re not so athletic compared to a regular person.  But pitted against other cripples, I think you’d fare pretty well.  NEVER GIVE UP!

39. Most people don’t look good with a mustache, cocksucker.  But you wear that motherfucker well.  Ah, who the hell am I kidding?!  You look good no matter what!

40. I have no need to travel the world in search of stunning landscapes or magnificent art, cocksucker, when I can look at your beautiful fucking face each and every day.

41.You’re so awesome I think they ought to rename God "Cocksucker."

42. There are three kinds of people in the world – motherfuckers, pussies, and cocksuckers.  Motherfuckers will fuck you over at the drop of a hat.  But at least they’re upfront about it – pussies will fuck you over and pretend like they aren’t.  And then there’s cocksuckers, like you, who are all awesome people – they’ll take the shirt off their back to help a friend in need.  

43. You had me at "hello," cocksucker.

44. Cocksucker, you are the least douche-baggy person I’ve ever met in my life.

45. I love you, baby. (Then give her a personalized license plate that reads C[heart]KSKR.)

46. Oh, my God!  I can’t believe I just told you that!  NOBODY knows that about me!  It’s you!  There’s something about you that just makes me want to open up and tell you everything!  My God, you’re disarming!  You fucking cocksucker!

47. That scene in Sophie’s Choice, where you talk about having to decide which of your children is going to die, is probably, cocksucker, the finest three minutes of performance ever caught on film. (For Meryl Streep only).

48. I bet ninety percent of the people who’ve met you have told you you have the most beautiful eyes.  But I bet I’m the only one to do it and call you a cocksucker.

49. Mom and Dad, I know we’ve had our difficulties over the years.  I know I wasn’t always the best son.  But, in the end, if I could have chosen any two people in the world to be my parents, it would be you two cocksuckers.

50. 2 kudos, cocksucker.

Thanks for the inspiration, Tori!

 

 

I am such a fucking idiot.  Goddammit.  I should have known better than to kiss John right there out in the open like that.  But you know how I get around Jo-Jo.  I mean, I just forget about everything around me.   He was making this sexy-ass fucking face, and there it was, cute and hot and puckered and coming right at me.  I couldn’t resist. 

I could not fucking resist.

Oh, yeah, sure, it was awesome.  John’s a great kisser.  But it certainly wasn’t fucking awesome enough to be worth ending up on the front of the National fucking Enquirer.

Plus, I was about three seconds away from boofing him in the back of the plane.  I mean, honestly — I couldn’t wait? 

It was that big a fucking deal that we had to kiss right there?

Fuck.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding: Fuck!

Fuck!

All right.  Okay.  You’re right.  Maybe I should just chill out.  After all, no one’s noticed it’s me yet.  I wore my blue and white shirt which I hardly ever wear, so no one can cross-check this thing with me at a premiere on Wire Image or some shit.  And people, really, when they look at the picture, they’re focused on John.  Right?  Right.  You’re right… Right…

Goddammit!  No!  It’s obvious!!

No, I’m not going to calm down!  Who the fuck am I kidding?  Eventually someone’s going to notice it’s me.  I mean that’s my frigging ear, for God’s sake!  My ears are very fucking distinctive.  I’ve been told that a million times, every time I do my nude modeling gigs for extra cash, it’s the first thing they fucking tell me.  "James, your ears are way fucking distinctive!"  "Your ears are like nobody else’s!"  "I’ve never seen ears like those, James!"  "Wow, does anyone else in your family have those ears?!"  That’s all they fucking say when I’m at those things.  My scrotum’s all cold on that wooden stool, and they’re all preoccupied with my fucking ears.  I used to think it was because I had a small penis, they were embarrassed, they had to talk about something else to distract themselves.  But, no.  It’s happened enough times by now I know it’s actually my ears.

I’m not exaggerating, dude.  I’m fucking serious.  I have fucking one-of-a-kind-fucking-ears.  And guess where they fucking are now?!  Plastered all over the front of the fucking National Enquir-fucking-Goddamn-er!!  Someone’s going to notice and someone’s going to tell Jenna.

And then I am fucked.

She’ll never understand.  I don’t have a sweet "deal" with Jenna like John does with Kelly.  And that one time Jenna caught me masturbating to Men’s Health?  She just about fucking flipped.  I mean, I told her, I’m not gay — I was flipping the page — I wasn’t staring at that guy’s pecs, I was reading the article on the dangers of creatine — you know, it just sorta caught my eye mid-stride…

I mean, John — I mean, honestly — now JOHN is gay.  That’s one of the reasons I know I’m not.  Because we are totally different.  I mean, I DEFINITELY am not gay, because I’m hardly ever on bottom, and I rarely, rarely, rarely suck a dick.

WHAT?!! You don’t believe me?!  Dude, you’re making me laugh.  I’m seriously laughing right now in your fucking stupid gaydar-less face.  Ha ha!  Ha ha ha!

No, I’m not pretending to laugh, I’m seriously, honestly amused that you are such a fucking dumbshit that you actually think I’m gay.  When I’m not.

No, I don’t care what you think.  But it perturbs me when you’re sitting there with a dumb fucking thought in your fucking head like "James is gay" just because you’re fucking shallow and a fucking idiot.

If I was gay, don’t you think I would have gone off with some of those other guys who’ve tried to get in my pants?  Does the name Tom Cruise at the Vanity Fair after party ring a fucking bell?  Have you ever heard of a guy named Nathan Lane!?  Kevin Spacey!?  Perry King!?  I showed them all the back door.  (I mean, not my back door, but the actual back door.  Come on.  You know what I meant.)  So I’m obviously, obviously, OBVIOUSLY not gay.  And if you think differently — and I don’t mean this as a putdown — you’re a moron.  I am way, way fucking straight and I love, love, love to fuck pussy.

And John Travolta.  But he’s different.

All right.  You’re right.  I should calm down.  I’m sorry.  You’re right.  And, yes, I know, I agree –- even if I was gay, there’s nothing wrong with it.  There’s nothing wrong with being gay.  Besides it making you a little womanly.

So I’m sorry.  Okay?  I don’t mean to be a freak.  But John is so messing with my head right now, I can’t even begin to tell you.  He told me not to call him till this whole thing blows over.  Do you believe it?  Right when we need each other the most we’re not allowed to talk?  He says Kelly is PISSED.  He says she doesn’t care what he does, but she didn’t think he’d do it out in the middle of the fucking airport.  (I have to kind of fucking agree with her, to be honest.)

It’s torture!  When John and I started this thing, I really didn’t expect him to affect me like this…

Can I be honest with you for a second?  I know it’s fucking crazy.  But sometimes I have this fantasy… I mean, it’s stupid, but…

I have this dumb dream of John and I running off together, you know, and buying a ranch like in fucking Wyoming or something.  And, I don’t know, we’d have, like, a goat farm.  And all these cute little goats, like twenty of them, are coming up to me and John and nuzzling us, right in front of our little chapel.  I can see it so clearly as if it were true.  And the goats all have the names of characters John played in movies:  Vincent, and Zuko, and Chili, and Tony, and Ubriacco —

What?  Oh, Ubriacco.  That’s who John played in LOOK WHO’S TALKING.  Totally underrated performance.

Anyway, we’re up on our ranch, and when people ask us what’s up I’d just say to everyone, "Sorry, dudes, this is who we are.  A couple guys who love each other.  Who love to fuck each other.  That’s all.  Accept it or don’t, but that’s who I fucking am, man. I’m not ashamed!  I’m the guy who likes to come all over the face of the guy who starred in SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.  Big fucking deal.  Get over it."  You know?

I mean, it’s a fucking stupid dream.  Talk about gay, that’s the gayest thing ever, right?

You don’t think so?  Seriously?

Thanks, dude.  Thanks.  You’re an awesome friend…

Fuck!

Oh, it’s nothing.  I just keep looking at this picture.  My ear is SO fucking obvious it’s fucking killing me.

---

The above is a work of fiction.  Please don’t take any of it seriously.  More importantly, please don’t sue me.  I have no reason to think John Travolta is actually a homosexual besides the above photo of him making out with a dude.  And a billion stories I’ve heard.  And I have no reason to think any of the other guys I mentioned are gay whatsoever.  Even Perry King, who is an asshole, but who is likely not gay.  And, by the way, I’m not gay either.  And I’m not saying, "Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but I’m not."  I’m actually saying I’m not gay, and it would slightly distress me if people thought I was.  I have never, ever, ever slept with a man when I was sober, or for free.