MOVIE REVIEW: THE X-MEN

By Minute Man, A.K.A. Tim Tilderbrook

The only question I have is what makes Mr. Bryan Singer think that he's an expert? Everyone was hooting and cheering at the end of the X-men movie, but I was sitting alone in the back row feeling upset and depressed and also down-in-the dumps. Whoo boy. These Hollywood people know nothing about real superheroes.

First of all, how much do they think we get paid anyway? I'm not forgetting that the Chicago Sun-Times said that my costume made me look like a gay sanitation worker. Well let me tell you if you had to live on twenty thousand a year and no dental, your costume would make you look like a gay sanitation work too (if you were wearing a costume).

But these costumes these X-men wear are probably in the very, very high three-figure range. I personally don't have three or four hundred dollars to take my limo down to the tailor to spend on a costume.

Another thing is the X-men's powers. In the movie, Mister X, played by the fine thespian Jean Luc Picard, runs a boarding school for mutants with special powers. These powers include controlling the weather and shooting deadly laser beams from your eyes and super-strength. Everyone in the whole school had a very cool, neat power.

To contrast, here is a list of the powers of some real mutants who recently applied to The Specials:

• 1) A guy in Seattle who can turn his hand into water.


• 2) A woman in southern New Jersey who has a dog growing out of her stomach ("Fido has very sharp teeth and can brutally nip at enemies if I get in close," she wrote in her personal essay.)


• 3) Mr. Resurrection, a guy who dies twelve hours every day and then comes back to life at night.


• 4) A man in Missouri who has retractable eyelashes.


• 5) A girl in Australia who is just a head. She paints her face with black and white checkers and goes by the name of "Soccer Ball Lass."

In other words, having a whole school full of mutants with neat powers is about as believable as Julia Roberts falling in love with Woody Allen. Usually they're just freaks.

Sure there are some fun parts of the X-men movie. My favorite scene was the one in the snow near the beginning. It goes like this: They're driving, and he says, "You know, shut up, and don't be asking me so many questions," and she's afraid to touch him because of the scene in the beginning where she kisses that dude. And then all the sudden they run into something. I don't remember what. Crash! He flies through the window. She's crying, or at least upset. Then the other guys come and say, "Come with us." He doesn't know whether to trust them or not. At that point, X-men truly earned the name "cinema."

My other favorite part of the movie are the parts where Anna Paquin was in it. Coming off her roles in Interview with a Vampire and Dick, she does a terrific job. Essentially acting is pretending to see stuff and say stuff that you really don't care about, and Anna Paquin is EXCELLENT at this. My favorite part of her though is that even though she's like thirteen or fourteen years old she is totally hot. It's illegal and everything but if she came into my bedroom wearing a little nightgown, I couldn't hold back. Afterwards, I'd feel extremely guilty, like I do about everything in life. I'd probably scream and pull down on my face so you could see the gross pink parts beneath my eyes, and say, "Oh, no, what have I done!?" But inside, I'd know it was all worth it.

Fairuza Balk is also really good in this as Jean Gray. She's a lot better looking than I remember her to be in The Craft. But she's tall and I usually prefer shorter women, because then I can just shrink down to whatever size is best for her. In relationships, I'm often thinking about the other person.
        "Would you like some coffee, juice or anything?" I ask them.
        "No, thanks," they say.
        "I have soda too," I tell them.
        "No, thanks."
        "Are you sure?" I say.
        "Yeah. Thanks."
        "Really, it's no problem."
        "No. That's all right."
        "Not a problem at all."
        "No."
        Then I laugh and I say, "I have a feeling that you really DO want something to drink, but you don't want me to go out of my way. But it's really not a problem."
        At that point they usually just give me a sort of mean stare, and then when I go on they say I'm bugging them about the drink thing. But at night I go to sleep happy, knowing that I did my best to fulfill my partner's needs.

So, all in all, just to restate: X-men is a really great flick. It's a lot better than Batman, because all the characters can move their necks. I look forward to X-men: The Return where they most likely will also be able to move their necks.

Stay Small!

Tim!


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