P.S. "Web" is spelled with one B, and site is "site" not "sight." Just for future reference.

So the Specials and me, Amok, had a meeting. The meeting was about how all of us had to work on this new web site. They were handing out jobs. Then someone said, I think it was Deadly Girl, who's been a pain in my ass since day one, "Don't give anything to Amok. He won't do anything anyway."
        As you might imagine, this pissed me off. I told her that's bullshit! Don't dis me just cause you're a racist against people who are blue! I hit the table, and then I hit another thing (the leg table) and then I kicked something close (Mr. Smart).
        So then Minute Man, to calm me down (I was about to smash his favorite coffee mug) offered me the possibility of writing a special Specials essay about my "thoughts and feelings." Then, he said, I don't got to complain about how everybody ignores my ideas.
        At first I balked. That's a lot of work. But then I thought:
        What better revenge than THIS?
        I've been sitting back watching the Specials present one face to the public and then being total hypocrites and being another guy when we're all alone: now's my chance to let you know THE TRUTH.
        I mean, hey, I may be an asshole, but at least I'm honest about it. THESE guys: they act like they're something else other than what they are. This ESSAY could be my chance to tell the true face of the Specials, so while Tim and Mr. Smart have their Specials Roster Page, full of lies and media savvy, I could be the TRUTH ABOUT THE SPECIALS, as well as some other things. Here it goes:

1. THE REAL SPECIALS

• a) THE STROBE. The Strobe has a giant stick up his ass and he's always bossing me around. EVERY DAY I come into work and he's got another gripe about me: I didn't shave, or my shirt's untucked, or quit making jokes to the press about how Jon Benet Ramsey was pretty hot for a little kid and I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers even now that she's a corpse (it was a joke! Everybody lighten up!) The Strobe is a republican Christian right whack job, sort of the Gary Bauer of the Superhero set. His black spandex pants are too tight for his ass and you can see the lines of his underwear. And then there's the stuff about how he claims that he's been chosen by God, and you're never gonna hear the end of it. If he's so chosen by God and such a evolved spiritual soul, why is it the only thing he seems to care about is our "image" and me not smoking or drinking or fucking strippers in public, or making jokes about Kirk Douglas, who, you can't deny it, looks funny when he talks. In short, the Strobe is a Nazi.


• b) MINUTE MAN is the butt-boy of his brother, The Strobe. He hangs on every word the Strobe says and it's sickening. Why doen't he just go and suck his own brother's cock if that's what he wants to do? Also, Minute Man is a total fucking pervert who has a huge pornography collection. At least, I'm guessing that that's probably true, because he seems like the type that does. Another thing is he's got a total hard-on for Nightbird and wants to fuck her so bad and follows her around but you can tell that she just thinks he's a big fucking gay loser. I don't know what he's hiding under that stupid costume that makes him look like a sanitation engineer, but I think it might be a pussy.


• c) THE WEEVIL. Okay, he's my best friend. But this doesn't stop him from being an asshole. First of all, this guy does all the same stuff I do: smokes, drinks, fucks women and he even does some blow every now and again, which I don't even do very much. And yet, while everyone's always picking on me HE gets away with it. "Oh, Tony! You're so great! We all love you!" Even that cunt Ms. Indestructible likes him. And another thing is he's got a big head about being the most popular member of the group, but he's only popular with teenage fawning girls that are ugly. Men think he's effeminate and gay and unlikable. And also, what's so cool about his boring fucking superpower? He walks up walls and he's a bit springy?! He has "weevil strength?!" Do you know what the fuck "weevil strength" is? He can pick up a couch. My Uncle Ed could do that.


• d) MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE is a whore and a bitch and a cunt. All right, I don't like Ted a bit, but the truth is that's probably because his wife here probably cut his balls off. They present themselves as a loving couple, when in fact I haven't seen them exchange two words in over a month. She thinks she's better than the rest of us and that it's humiliating and childish being a superhero, like we never grew up. It's in every look and gaze that she gives you. The only thing is that I have the last laugh, because I often masturbate and imagine spewing all over her face.


• e) POWER CHICK. Could anybody be more irritating? If I have to listen to her blasting her Phish albums one more time I'm going to burn somebody's head off. The one good thing about Power Chick is that she has a pretty interesting superpower - she can turn her body into any substance she touches. I like to sit around with her and have her turn into different things - taffy, bread, whatever Micronauts are made of. Lately, I've been trying to get her to turn into a piece of shit, but she refuses to touch it (I had U.S. Bill drop a load in a Tupperware bowl). So instead I had her turn into a Hershey bar. I sent a picture of her as it to my cousin and told him she was shit. He flipped out.


• f) ALIEN ORPHAN. This guy is major fucked up. He's gotten a lot of press, and people seem to think he's cool, but he's gross to look at up close. When we first found him he looked like a big gooey wad. Now he tries to take the shape of a human, but he looks pretty much like he's got cerebral palsy. Power Chick treats him like a little baby or a pet. I think it should be a law from now on if aliens this disgusting crash on our planet that we should put them to sleep.


• g) DEADLY GIRL. I'll admit it - I really want to fuck Deadly Girl and she won't let me. I masturbate to her even more than I do to Ms. Indestructible, but, unlike Ms. Indestructible, sometimes it's a kind fantasy, where I'm giving her little kisses. So I got a thing for her, but, the one thing I can say is that she's WAY OVERRATED. She's often considered the most powerful Special, because she can summon demons and so forth. But, first of all, demons are unpredictable! One time she brought forth a whole bunch of walking skeletons to fight Arcanos, and the stupid, brainless bastards started attacking me! She said, "Kill Arcanos," but they didn't know what the fuck she was saying. Another time she made a bunch of little guys that looked like fetuses attack Dr. Malevolent. I think they WERE fetuses, like aborted fetuses lost in purgatory or something (I think I mighta recognized two or three of my own in there). They weren't as stupid as the skeletons, but just as useless. All you had to do was step on one for it to be squashed. And they smelled like bile. Deadly Girl can also blast protoplasm from her hands. You know what if feels like? Like a pinch. It doesn't hardly hurt. One time she did it to me when I was making fun of her for having a crush on Minute Man (which she does! How ignorant is that?!)


• h) U.S. BILL. The main thing about Bill is that he's a total moron. He exists in almost complete isolation from the rest of the group, because none of us know what the hell he's babbling about. Everybody's always complaining because I make fun of him so much and I shouldn't because he's probably mildly retarded. But, if you're honest with yourself, you have to admit that there aren't many things funnier than making fun of a retarded person. Sometimes they don't even know you're doing it, and you can just keep going and going. It's hilarious! Sometimes I push Bill so far he tries to strangle me. He's my favorite Special for this reason.


• i) EIGHT. This guy (or guys) is just plain spooky. He isn't around often, which is fine by me, because when he is I get creeped out. I'm not going to write anything else about him, because I'm afraid he might get me.


• j) MR. SMART. As much as I can say bad about the other members of the Specials, at least they got SOME sort of superpower. Mr. Smart's superpower is that he's mildly intelligent. I don't know how he snuck into this group. He's FAT and SLOW, and I'm always having to save his fat ass when we're running from pterodactyls or whatever, because he's always lagging behind. He's constantly inventing things that are stupid. A while ago he created an air-pack for a trout - a device to strap onto a trout's back so that the trout was able to breathe out of water. The thing also had some electronic legs, so all these freaky little trouts were walking around our house. It scared the shit out of me. Smart thought, for some idiotic reason, that trouts would make good house pets. But they're like lizards. They didn't give a shit about you. By the way, here's Mr. Smart's origin story: Two stupid people fucked, and nine months later a little fat kid came out.


• k) NIGHTBIRD: This chick has it going on in the looks department, especially the part of the looks department that has to do with having large breasts. But she's also so into Weevil that I'm afraid we got a stalker on our hands and we're going to wake up some morning and she's going to be wearing his head for a hat or some shit like that.

And here is some TRUTH on some other subjects:

2) OUR FANS

OUR FANS ARE IDIOTS. Seriously, though, don't you have something better to do then be reading this stupid web page? Couldn't you find any good porn, you gotta go and read this all-too-long fucking essay? Why would you give a shit what I said? Don't you have a life? About a month ago I got paid to fly to Austin, Texas and sign autographs at a boat show. These kids are lined up the aisle, paying four bucks a pop for a signed 8x10 of me. With every one I signed, I just kept thinking, "Loser. Loser. Another loser. Loser." Really. It was depressing. I also noticed that almost all of our fans are ugly.

3) JESUS AND THESE OTHERS

JESUS IS A PUSSY. I've been hearing people go on about Jesus and Buddha and Mohammed for years and years. But let me ask you one question: How many of those guys could shoot anti-matter out of their hands? My guess is zero of them. I blew up a starship full of blood-sucking Reticuloids once! As far as I know, I don't even think Jesus could fly. "Oh, I'm so big, I'm so powerful, I'm the Son of God!" Meanwhile, he's walking around, not flying. Real tough. I'd like to tickle this guy in front of his "apostles," just to humiliate him. I'm not saying that people should form a religion around me: but I WILL say that I could come up with a symbol a lot cooler than an X on its side. The symbol of my religion would be something that rocks: like a fireball with a clenched fist on it and the knuckles spelt out A-M-O-K.

That's the end of this essay. Turn off your computer and do something with your life, gaywad.


The Specials DVD
DVD - Click here to buy now from Amazon.com.