Hello Specials Fans! It's your old friend Mr. Smart, the smartest man in the world, as well as the eight-time winner of the Rubik's Cube World Championship! My good friend Tim and I have had the pleasure of singularly putting together this web site! I consider this my most important contribution: a database of some of the Specials most dangerous foes (and a few not-so-dangerous ones), from A to Z!

Enjoy,

Mr. Smart!



THE ANAL SLUG travels through toilet pipes and inserts himself into victims' rectums as they sit on the toilet. Perhaps the victim might be reading a magazine, or one of those browsers' books, or perhaps just staring at the tile floor, attempting to find shapes or faces in the design there. Whatever the case, the Anal Slug slips up into their bottoms and promptly eats them from the inside. He leaves only the skin. Mr. Smart is here to tell you these "skin sacks" are a gruesome sight indeed! The Anal Slug is especially fond of devouring the insides of senior citizens. The Slug stated his reasons for this in a recent interview in Interview magazine conducted from his cell in San Quentin: "Old people's assholes are looser and flappier, and their innards have a sweeter, fruitier flavor." The Anal Slug appears to be a two-foot slimy worm, but he has an IQ of 172 and is a fanatic for old Russian literature, especially Dostoevsky. Minute Man recently turned small and battled The Anal Slug in the shriveled poop chute of Vern Powter, an 83-year-old Caucasian man, at the Los Feliz Retirement Village. Although Minute Man was victorious, Mr. Powter, unfortunately, died of severe hemorrhaging.
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 6

THE BIRKENSTOCK is The Specials' hippie enemy who employs exploding hackey-sacks in his war on Wall Street stockbrokers. The Birkenstock is also known for Tie-Dyeing humans to death. He is currently at large, though his human tie-dyer has been confiscated and can now be viewed in the Amazing Trio's museum in Branson, Missouri.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 7

CRABBY is Jimmy Lang, a giant infant with a sour demeanor. Little Jimmy accidentally crawled into a growing-machine in his father's science laboratory (Dr. Greg Lang, THE PERMEATOR, former teammate to Weevil in the Teen Tusslers) and grew to over two thousand feet. He was captured by the Specials in downtown L.A. He currently resides on three acres at the San Diego Zoo.
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 8

DR. MALEVOLENT is perhaps the Specials' most dangerous foe. Unlike most of the Special's arch-villains, Dr. Malevolent has a bland appearance. His only costume is a pair of blue Dickies, a button-down white shirt, and black tie. He is perhaps most famous for taking over ABC for a twelve hour period and doing a parody of WHOS WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? called WHO WANTS TO HAVE YOUR HEAD NOT SMASHED? If his hostage-contestants didn't answer the trivia questions correctly (mostly having to do with baseball and U.S. history) he would smash their heads with a giant head-crushing machine. It was an incredibly brutal show, which garnered ABC their highest ratings ever. Dr. Malevolent is still at large. He has killed numerous superheroes, including the Specials' own pugilist-in-house Knockout Artist. Mr. Smart notes that he would have walked away from WHO WANTS TO HAVE YOUR HEAD NOT SMASHED? with an intact head, due to his encyclopedic knowledge.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 10

THE EUROFAG is a homosexual bank robber with a penchant for leaving Hermes scarves and Pet Shop Boys CDs at the scenes of his crimes. He is notable for being the only Specials foe whose name begins with the letter "E."
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 2

FRANKENBERRY is the giant pink cannibal upon whom the cereal was based. Much scarier in person. Eats children. Has battled the Specials on several occasions.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 7

GRANNY ASS WHISTLE is Sophia Garbono, head of the Silverlake Garbono crime family. Sophia is today in her nineties. She received her nickname at the age of three (except for the Granny part) when she swallowed a child's whistle, which she had to have removed through surgery. Perhaps it was this early trauma that has made Granny so tough, allowing her to avoid prison through legalistic means for over forty years.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 5

THE HUMAN PINCUSHION, thought not extraordinarily strong, has the ability to take any violence one can throw at him. His body is made of quick-healing Nerf. Although being shot or kicked or punched or knifed causes him agony, he is able to heal to perfection within minutes. The Pincushion is more of a nuisance than an actual danger. He has been a plague on the superhuman hero community for years, because he receives a masochistic sexual thrill from being beaten up, shot with lasers, etc. He has incited battles with the Specials, the Crusaders, Gamma-Dogs, Art's Revenge Crew, et al., and has, without exception, been terribly defeated on every occasion. I must say my own vision of Supervillains was changed dramatically when I saw the Human Pincushion, butt-naked, have an orgasm after I shot him with my Smart Cannon TM. From what I understand, this is his usual M.O. The Human Pincushion is currently in the Hazelden Clinic for Sexual Addiction (for the fourth time). We hope this time he's is sincere and taking the Twelve Steps seriously, so that he may find a way out of his own personal vicious cycle. But I wouldn't bet on it.
STATUS: Incarcerated
DANGER LEVEL: 2

THE IGNORAMUS has based his persona on Jerry Lewis' Nutty Professor. He is an extremely obnoxious supervillain. The whiny voice, a piss-poor Lewis imitation, makes you want to strangle him. He is known at times to wear a propeller hat, which only makes him all the more odious. The Ignoramus has twelve murders to his name, all of them internationally recognized scholars, including my good friend the paranormal researcher Lawrence Fitzgibbon. The Ignoramus is currently in prison. Fuck him.
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 6

THE JERRY-RIG was a robot made of wire and paste whose only release came in raising havoc. He has been destroyed.
STATUS: Deceased
DANGER LEVEL: 3

THE K-MARTIAN was created in a U.S. lab from the DNA of an ancient Martian race. He wears a blue K-Mart smock and carries a price-tagger that imbeds a small bomb into whomever he tags. The K-Martian continues to be at large, blowing up unsuspecting folks across America. The Specials vow to soon end his cruel reign.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 7

LONG DONG PILFERER is the evil cousin of the superhuman hero Chest of Death, formerly of The Outsiders. L.D.K. has the somewhat embarrassing ability to stretch his strange, prehensile penis up to eight hundred feet. He has used his penis to steal jewelry from stores while standing, undetected, many blocks away. Long Dong Killer is a thief, but so far has not been involved in any physically violent activity. Though theoretically able to use his wee-wee to snap someone's head off his neck, he has never done so.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 3

THE MANATEE has the ability to breathe underwater. He at first desired to be a superhero, but was declined membership at various superhero groups, including the Specials. We've all seen underwater breathers come and go - the Specials at one time even had Kid Guppy in the group. But, truth to tell, they rarely come in handy. It's more economically feasible to just rent out Water Man from The Imperials. Anyway, after the Manatee's lifelong dreams were dashed, he turned to a life of underwater eco-terrorism. He released oil tanks into areas or the ocean swarming with tropical fish. This killed numerous aquatic creatures. The Manatee was easy to catch however, as he is quite weak and a pretty slow swimmer. Alien Orphan metamorphosed into a giant fish and swallowed him whole. We shortly thereafter turned him over to the authorities. STATUS: Imprisoned DANGER LEVEL: 2

GEPETTO NARCOLEPSY was the evil pseudonym for Dick York, the former star of "Bewitched" in his final days alive, robbing Circle K's for petty cash with which to buy his painkillers. The celebrity called himself "Gepetto" and he wore a mask of Gepetto from the Disney movie Pinocchio. The name "Gepetto Narcolepsy" was bestowed upon him by his fellow crooks since York had a reputation for nodding out on the job.
STATUS: Deceased
DANGER LEVEL: 1

O SOLE MIO was the infamous (and ridiculous) opera-singing supervillain, a four hundred pound woman who could explode glass and plastic items with her high notes. She was notable mostly for falling obsessively in love with Minute Man and stalking him. Minute Man shrunk to the size of carpet tweed for three days, pretending not to be home as she camped out on the front lawn. Her love became more obsessive and violent, as she began sending Minute Man death notes. Eventually, she attacked Specials HQ and Amok blew her head off with anti-matter. The entire battle lasted under ten seconds.
STATUS: Deceased
DANGER LEVEL: 2

THE PISS FREAKS are a group of five men and one woman out of Sussex, England led by Andrew Cozine, the renowned cyber-organ transplant surgeon. Cozine's secret life was perverse; he belonged to the Sussex Water Sports league, a group of deviants who were sexually stimulated by urinating on each other. Cozine used his knowledge of robotics to create mechanical bladders for each member of the group, with an option to urinate a deadly acid that would disintegrate whomever it came into contact with. The Piss Freaks were beaten by the Femme Five in their first outing, but later escaped and returned to crime with all-new bladders. These bladders were capable of urinating acid at much high pressures and distances of up to a hundred yards. The solo hero The Brontosaurus lost his legs to Cozine in their second outing. The Specials have battled the Piss Freaks in only one battle. It was a slightly embarrassing battle in which Power Chick received second degree burns from acidic urine that back-splashed off a concrete wall. (A special note: at this juncture Amok made a joking remark that I had an erection visible through my pants during this entire battle. This was reported by the Weekly World News as if it was fact, but was indeed a poor attempt at humor by my blue teammate.) The Piss Freaks are still at large, and rumored to be working on new colonic combustible-feces attachments. If these rumors are true, I can assure you that Mr. Smart will be calling in sick to work the next time The Specials battle the Piss Freaks.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 8

QUACK is a twelve-foot tall muscular duck with enough supper-strength to burrow through mountains. Quack was responsible for the deaths of scores of duck hunters in the Midwest in 1997. The Specials defeated Quack after an eight-hour long battle in Springfield, Illinois; sadly, an eight-year-old girl was caught in the crossfire and paralyzed by one of the Strobe's laser blasts.
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 9

MEG RYAN (EVIL) is a clone created in a laboratory by starstruck biologist Robert Safran. She enjoys kidnapping the real Meg Ryan and making embarrassing public appearances as the sweet and dignified star. According to Hollywood gossip, it was this evil clone that starred in the 1997 flop motion picture "Addicted to Love." The evil Ms. Ryan later teamed up with the Diabolic Dolls - superpowered evil clones of Sandra Bullock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cher, and Katie Holmes - who were defeated last year by U.S. Bill and Weevil.
STATUS: Imprisoned.
DANGER LEVEL: 2

THE SILVER SNUGGY is a sadistic supervillain from Wales who gives unsuspecting humans "snuggies" in specially designed metal underwear, which shatters the victim's pelvis bone and crushes everything below the waist. Victims have experienced paralysis, sterility, or even death. I, Mr. Smart, was once the victim of one of these Super-Snuggies, and I had a terrifying flashback to my own grammar school experiences. Luckily, I was wearing a jet pack and was able to fly away before any major damage occurred. Why he's called the "Silver" Snuggy is a mystery, considering he wears a green costume.
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: 5

TYRANNOS THE DESTROYER is an 8,000-foot tall wandering planet eater, and the creator of Amok. The Specials once teamed-up with The Crusaders, the Anti-Evil Gang, Gamma-Dogs, and twelve other supergroups to stop him from ingesting earth. We were unable to physically overpower Tyrannos, so we convinced him to leave by informing him of the planet Rkumenan, also known as the "scrumptious planet." Rkumenan, which is three thousand light years away, is four hundred times the size of earth and has four hundred times as many people to eat. Tyrannos, mouth watered at the sound of Rkumenan and he flew away as quickly as he could. He's going to be disappointed when he arrives in Nebulacornean galaxy and discovers that we made up Rkumenan, but at least it will give us a couple years to get our shit together and come up with a better plan. Mr. Smart daringly ran to the rubber sole of Tyrannos, giant boot and touched it! Then I ran away before he could see me.
STATUS: On a wild goose chase
DANGER LEVEL: Probably about a billion

ÐBERMENSCH is the Nazi superman. He has a stutter. This stutter caused in the Specials an out-of-control laughing fit the last time we battled Ðbermensch. It's difficult to take one's Aryan claim of supreme physical and mental superiority seriously when it takes him three minutes to get through the word "unparalleled." Ðbermensch's feelings were hurt and he flew away in tears. The blonde jerk-off hasn't shown his face since.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 6

VULCAN THE FIRELORD is the vengeful Greek god who's extremely jealous of Jesus. His preferred form of violence is smashing up Christian churches and houses of worship for other monotheistic religions. Last seen teamed up with Count Dracula killing monks in Western Europe.
STATUS: At large
DANGER LEVEL: 10

THE WEAKLING was another nutjob with no superpowers who attacked the Specials in public. Was defeated in seconds. Notable only for a very uniquely designed cowl, which curled down over the tip of his nose in a neat way.
STATUS: On parole
DANGER LEVEL: 1

YOUNG STUFF are five shapely sixteen-year old girls who wear modified Catholic schoolgirl uniforms. They have various powers (superspeed, stretching, invisibility, etc.) They are, bar none, Mr. Smart's favorite adversaries. Let all their members - Kaitlin, Heather, Meadow, Crystal, and Darcy - be well-informed that Mr. Smart eagerly awaits our next "tussle" when they're released from juvenile hall next year!
STATUS: Imprisoned
DANGER LEVEL: Hot, hot, hot!

Z - there is no villain on file whose names begins with a "Z." But it could be YOU! Sobriquet considerations for future supervillains: The Zealot, The Clone of Franco Zeferelli, Zeitgeist!, Z MrtvÈho Domu, The Zeta Particle, Zebra of Sadism.


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