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These photos are all the way back from Thanksgiving, but, because of the movie, I haven't gotten a chance to post them until now. Because Mia had already "done" Shreveport in a previous trip, we decided to travel to the great city of Dallas for Thanksgiving.

First things first – Arriving at our hotel room in the Ritz, Mia had to try on my shoes, because they matched her outfit AND the room!  Also, small people look funny when they put on big people's shoes.

Next, we ate Thanksgiving dinner at the hotel. It was delicious, Southwestern-inspired cuisine such as tortilla stuffing.  However, Mia ate too much and got sick to her stomach so we had to track down this Pepto Bismo.  Here she is, with a sexy-yet-sick-to-her-stomach look.

The next day we did what we actually came to Dallas for, visited the World Famous Cockroach Museum!!  When we drove up to the Cockroach Museum, we were surprised to see it was essentially just an exterminating business in a strip mall with a "Cockroach Museum" sign outside.  Still, there was a wonderful world of real cockroaches awaiting us!

This dude was the proprietor.  He was a super-nice guy, and he put on his special cockroach hat just for us. He was once on the Johnny Carson show. He has thought about taking the Cockroach Museum big time and bringing in other people, but he likes being his own boss.

There was a whole bucket full of cockroaches just waiting to be played with.  These little bastards liked nothing more than to be picked up and fondled by human beings! Why? Because the rest of their lives THEY LIVED IN A BUCKET.  We named this one Gregg.  He was fucking disgusting.

The Cockroach Museum is home to many beautiful little cockroach dioramas.  This one is the dramatic portrayal of a dead cockroach wearing sunglasses with a hatchet glued to his hands next to another dead cockroach on a beach towel, also wearing sunglasses.  I'm not sure, but that might be Spongebob coming out of the thermos behind them. Also, that first one might be holding something other than a hatchet.

When I think of freedom, I think of the Statue of Liberty holding up a dead cockroach in triumph.  They don't have this sort of shit in Iran, guys!  You know why?  Because Iranians hate Americans, and they wouldn't be caught dead with a tiny Statue of Liberty.  In the Iranian Cockroach Museum, they have dioramas of dead cockroaches denying the holocaust.  This particular display must have taken entire minutes to create.

The Cockroach Museum isn't afraid to tackle such topical issues as Ross Perot's run for the presidency.  Take THAT, Perotistas!!  PS Why is Ross Peroach a baby? I don't get it.

Hubba hubba!  I jerked off to this one.

Our third day in Texas, we chose to check out the Fort Worth stockyards.

Our primary draw was the Cowtown Cattlepen Maze. It's a giant labyrinth – They time you while you go through, collect four punches in four secret locations, and then make your way back out again.

At first I was taking the enterprise incredibly seriously. I was hoping that we could perhaps beat the all-time Cowtown Cattlepen Maze first time record (this isn't a joke).  Then I realized with Mia's amazingly short midget legs that was never going to happen.  So I decided just to have a fun time instead.

Despite goofing around a lot inside the maze, we made it through in what they told us was a pretty good time (15 minutes).  Mia won this sticker, and this frog.  I also got a sticker and a little plastic bug that I threw away.  It will get its revenge hundreds of years from now when my bones turn to ashes and it's still there in some landfill, completely intact.

We took on the fashions of Fort Wayne. After Mia and I put on our new outfits, we were able to go anywhere we wanted, utterly incognito!!

Time to teach these Texas motherfuckers how to dance!

Dammit! It's so simple, I can't believe I never thought of it myself. Two rats on top of a cat on top of a dog – for money!  Fuck!  Why do other people always think of all the great ideas?  This is how I felt when I heard the idea for "Blades of Glory."

Notice something unusual about this mini-horse?

That's right, it's a penis!

Just add a little animal skin and – voila! – G-rating!

Why did I kick Mia's ass in this fake horse race? Because I didn't treat it like some big fucking joke.

Merry-Go-Round time.

Before we left Fort Worth, Mia tried out some calf fries – i.e. bull's testicles – at Riscky's Steakhouse.

Although I consider myself a culinary adventurer, I don't eat pork or beef, so could not partake. I was seriously bummed.

Of course our next stop was Medieval Times! Fuck yeah!

The folks at Medieval Times told us to applaud the Red and Gold knight and berate the Green Knight. However, they still seemed shocked when I yelled "You dumb fucking loser!" and "Evil cunt!" every time the Green Knight strode by.  At the Red and Yellow Knight, I yelled, "You're an incredibly handsome man!" and "You should do hair care product commercials!"  Unfortunately, this didn't stop him from getting his ass kicked by the Green Knight.

We dined like Kings – the type of Kings who love Kroger's rotisserie chicken.

When I watch people playing fantasy football, this is what I see.

Not drunk.

Day 4: JFK's Death Day!  We checked out the Book Depository Museum from where Oswald shot Kennedy.

You haven't visited Dallas unless you get a photo next to the Zapruder film.

Onto the grassy knoll.  I wasn't sure what kind of position the second shooter would have taken.  Probably something like this.

There was a crowd gathered atop the grassy knoll.  Mia and I went up there to check it out –

Everyone was listening to this dude, who was telling people how the JFK assassination all really went down, pointing out where the second shots came from, etc.  If you can't trust this face, who can you trust?  At one point one of the folks in the crowd wandered off to look at something else and this dude stopped mid-speech and yelled "AM I BORING YOU?!"  Not kidding.  We wanted to listen to his whole spiel, but it was raining and we needed to get back to Shreveport and he was giving me the major heebie-jeebies.

Also, we needed to get this photo of Mia lying atop the grassy knoll like she was dead.

On the way home, we saw a billboard for "Fried Pies." Of course we had to stop and try them out.  They were essentially like really delicious and unhealthy versions of Hostess Pies.  That is: AWESOME.

THE END

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