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Jul 2, 2009

Evolution Fucked Your Shit Up: The World’s 50 Freakiest Animals

Seapig

Ajolote

Aye-Aye

Chinese Giant Salamander

Pygmy Jerboa

Giant Isopod

Thorny Devil Lizard

It shall also be noted that these sons-of-bitches shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism.

Hagfish

Hairy Frog

Human-Faced Carp


Seadevil

Proboscis Monkey

Goblin Shark

Purple Frog

Pygmy Marmoset

Sea Dragon

Tarsier

 

It’s been pointed out to me that Sonya, in the video above, is not actually a tarsier but a slow loris.  Still, I’m keeping the video up ’cause she’s cute as hell.

Axolotl

"I am a sign that the devil is real and Jesus never happened. Hooray!"

Angler Fish

Angora Rabbit

Blobfish

He does indeed look like Ziggy.

Candiiru

Okay, so the Candiru may not be the freakiest-LOOKING animal, but it is the only one that will swim up your penis and LODGE ITSELF IN THERE. Seriously, seriously, seriously: Fuck you, Candiru. Fuck you so, so hard, you piece-of-shit animal.

Wrinkle-Faced Bat

Giant Soft-Shelled Turtle

Dugong

Dumbo Octopus

Monkfish

Elephant Shrew

Geoduck

Giant Coconut Crab

Glass Frog

Hooded Seal

Liger

Note the size of this motherfucker; ligers are bigger than both tigers and lions.

These dudes escaped from the Phantom Zone and the first thing they want are our ligers!!

Long-Beaked Echidna

To himself, everything is perfectly normal.

Long-Eared Jerboa

Naked Mole Rat

Narwhal

Olm

Malay Eagle Owl

Pangolin

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Platypus

Rosy Lipped Batfish

Yeti Crab

Tubifex Worms

Saiga Antelope

"If you let me impregnate your wife I will bless you with riches unimagined!"

Star-Nosed Mole

Sucker-Foot Bat

"Hey, guys, what’s up? How’s it goin’? Deal my shit in."

Turtle Frog

Weta

Thanks to everyone who sent me these weird fucking dudes on Twitter.

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© 2009, James Gunn. All rights reserved.

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  • Grumpy Old Man

    The human-faced fish are pretty cool! I found some in a koi pond on the Microsoft campus – the face is more of a death’s head than a face. Interestingly, the ‘face’ on the koi different than the face of the koi – its mouth and eyes are not part of the ‘face’ that you see.

    Just sayin’

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  • Leah

    Why does the Hagfish remind me of an angry vagina? Really angry. I fell in love with Sonya and the Pygmy Jerboa. Did anyone notice in the Sonya video that the chic has a can of beer between her knees. I am such a tattle tale.
    Awesome post!
    I think Sonya should be your animal of choice. Just as cute as you :)

    • samantha

      i agree

  • ddg

    I’m obligated to vote for the Aye-Aye…because that thing looks like it just crawled out of Satan’s vagina. Yowza.

  • http://twitter.com/oleifr Oleifr

    I’m tossing my vote to the pink fairy armadillo. Gotta show some love to the gayest named animal on the site.

  • suicideblond

    The sea devil or the coconut crab thing…that should represent you, yo.

    • samantha

      that crab was the biggest ive ever seen i give one of
      my votes to them.

  • http://www.myspace.com/ultramanj ultramanj

    I am voting for the Geoduck that seems appropriate around here. You really need to have a check box for this to be accurate.

  • maitresse99

    Mascot for Gunn? I like the Tarsier, of course.. those eyes!!! ~~Which would be a good segue into looking at your site!
    But the little guy tagged Axolotl just makes me smile in amazement everytime I look at it!!
    Makes me think about all of the other things on this planet I haven’t seen yet!!!

  • http://www.beerhoundproductions.com Ziggy

    I think I’m torn between the Olm and the Axolotl.

    And a I look nothing like a blob fish :P

  • toriaweber

    I vote for Axolotl.

  • bloody_molly

    I HAVE always loved the Giant Crab but I’m voting for the Aye Aye. He’s just so damn photogenic.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/Chris_Quartly Chris Quartly

    Great list James!

    Incidentally, some of these appeared on a fun show that was on last year, Nick Baker’s weird creatures. Very likeable host as well I thought, made for good entertainment and education.

    http://www.animalplanet.ca/shows/showdetails.aspx?sid=3619

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  • Bill Pardys Doppelganger

    Ha, the Proboscis Monkey has a penis for a nose.

    Also, the Pygmy Jerboa creeps me the fuck out.

  • Marc

    What? Nobody picked the Pink Galapagos Iguana?

    Also, Hagfish are cool if you are into mucus.

  • http://www.twitter.com/renesugar renes

    Proboscis monkey kind of looks like actor Jimmy Durante.

    http://bit.ly/lVy7N

  • SausageFingers

    I saw Ligers at King Richards fair. They are huge and fucking scary awesome. They were not on a leash or chain or anything. The handler were cool as hell, during the show they said it would have no problem eating the children that were there, and do not take pictures or make any big movements or mess with it in any way.
    They are giant monsters, but are somewhat helpless and are only in captivity, as they cannot survive in the wild.
    On a side note, why didn’t Rooker make this list?

  • http://www.jamesgunn.com James Gunn

    Strangely, this is the biggest blog (most hits) ever on either JamesGunn.com or on MySpace.

  • amv86

    The narwhal is the unicorn of the sea!

  • Maggie

    The blobfish reminds me of the illustrations by Shel Silverstein…I wonder if he received his inspiration from that…animal.

  • http://ieet.org/index.php/IEET/bio/treder mtreder

    Intelligent Design? Not so much.

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  • benn

    Fuck.

  • tscharf

    that eagle owl thing is fucking ridiculous. It looks like an animatronic magwai.

  • http://www.grassrootsmotorsports.com jpasterjak

    Don’t bullshit me, Gunn. That’s not an owl, it’s a Mogwai with a beak.

  • http://treason1.deviantart.com/ Pixel Treason

    Also – awesome list. The carp makes me want to crap my pants and I DESPERATELY want an eagle owl now.

  • http://treason1.deviantart.com/ Pixel Treason

    Wasn’t it found that the sewer creature was clumps of Tubifex worms, not Bryozoan?
    Here I found a link – (yes, Tubifex!)
    http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2009/07/sewer_blobs_of_north_carolina.php

  • http://www.jamesgunn.com James Gunn

    COLIN – Thanks!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/missmadamn Caryl

    Wow! That’s a quite a bunch of freaky animals or what have you! Great blog!! Too many to comment on, but I think some are cute too, esp. Sonya – and the Axolotl? I’ve seen those before (online) but they were called something else… Something along the lines of a Mexican-something or other-fish. There were a lot of really creepy and scary ones in the mix, but the Angler Fish stood out to me as really scary. Anyway, fascinating stuff!! Thanks for putting together this fantastic blog to share :)

  • colinmac

    Cool post! Some cool animals that I’ve never seen before. Not to be nit-picky but the video you’ve posted below the Tarsier is actually a Slow Loris. Look at their hands, the tarsier has 4 fingers while the Slow loris in the video has only 3.

  • ThatGermanGuy

    My favourite is the Thorny Devil Lizard. This looks awesome!
    But the Goblin Shark gave me a bad childhood flashback. This fucker looks like the thing that tried to kill Drew Barrymore in “Cat’s Eye”!

  • toriaweber

    Even though he doesn’t exist, I am going to thank God everyday for making me a human. Although, I wouldn’t mind being a Pygmy Marmoset — or owning one. That is seriously cute.

    I love how the fish that looks like a blob is just called Blobfish. Poor, disgusting little guy … or girl.

  • http://www.jamesgunn.com James Gunn

    Some of them are very cute – the pygmy marmoset, the tarsier, the jerboas, even the turtle frog in its own weird way.

  • http://twitter.com/LuckyAmeliza sooo_yeah

    is it stange that I find some of those things extreamly cute? but yeah. most of the others freaked me the hell out. I used to think that the platypus as a kid, until I found out that they have a stinger under their tail that secretes something similar to what a komoto dragon has in it’s mouth. extreamly deadly. so yeah, don’t try and pet one. lol.

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