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Who doesn’t love THE GODFATHER movie?  Sure, it’s definitely one of the greatest movies of all time.  Only one thing could make it better: IF IT WAS MORE AWESOME!!

That’s why I’m remaking the classic film THE GODFATHER with a new, hip young cast, and some cool new storyline twists that will appeal to today’s ‘Tween market – as well as everyone else! 

Don’t worry!  We’re keeping the original’s integrity intact!  THE GODFATHER is still 100% about being a GANGSTA!  And, if you can’t deal with that… then YOU CAN’T DEAL!  (or, alternatively, you can just wait for the edited version on the Disney Channel).

The most important part of remaking THE GODFATHER is, as I said, having a fantastically cool cast!  The original cast members were pretty good at the acting part of it, but… well, let’s just say they weren’t much to look at (LOL!)

 

Michael Corleone – Al Pacino/Joe Jonas

For the main character, Michael Corleone, we need the greatest actor in the world today:  Joe Jonas.

At the beginning of the movie Michael is getting all lame and emo and having MySpace hair and stuff.  But then he meets THE GODFATHER (his dad), and learns that being all emo is LAME, and being a GANGSTA (i.e. having real heart) is the way to be.

 

Vito  “The Godfather” Corleone – Marlon Brando/Matthew Perry

The Godfather was originated by Marlon Brando, but will be made a lot better by none other than our best FRIEND, Matthew Perry!

Brando was definitely awesome as Vito Corleone in the original, but even some of the film’s staunchest supporters note that his performance is a little too dark and heavy at times.  Do you really want to feel all bummed-out while you’re at the movies?  Isn’t this recession in the real world dark enough as it is?  Perry will bring a lightness to the role, as well as that great sarcastic charm that made him so memorable in the role of Joey Chandler on friends.  This is a guy who’s a gangsta because he just loves everything about being one. 

And you know that INSANELY HILARIOUS scene where the Godfather has an orange peel in his mouth and chases around that kid in the garden?  Well, in the original G.F. we kept waiting for them to use that gag more!  So Perry’s more-definitive Godfather will do that orange peel thing a lot more – like every scene he’s in.  First he’ll say something, and you’ll think he’s all serious, and then he’ll put in the orange peel and say something so off the cuff you can’t believe it!!  Where does he come up with this stuff??

 

 

Sonny Corleone – James Caan/Kevin Jonas

The role of Sonny Corleone, originally played by VEGAS’s James Caan, will now be played by dewy eyed Kevin Jonas.  Sonny has a fierce temper!  In the original, Sonny beat up a guy with a trashcan lid… uh, THAT’S a little harsh.  Kevin’s Sonny is more complex than that.  He  doesn’t beat anyone up, but at the beginning of the movie he loses at Scrabble and has a complete fit.  He ALMOST kicks the Scrabble board, and barely stops himself.  Everyone is like, “Whoa.” He’s arguing over and over about how it wasn’t fair that he lost, even though it’s obvious he’s just a SORE LOSER!  Also, Sonny won’t die in the Tween-tastic remake.  I think that might bum people out.  We need him for the big Corleone Brothers musical number at the end.

 

Fredo Corleone – John Cazale/Nick Jonas

Fredo Corleone will be played by Nick Jonas.  Basically, Fredo is the same as in the original: a COMPLETE DORK.  This is the kind of brother who you are totally embarrassed by, but you love him anyway.  Nick is going to really steal the movie with some thick glasses, nasally voice, and Urkel pants. 

Later on, when we remake GODFATHER II, people are really going to cheer when Michael shoots this obnoxious character in the face!  It’s going to be like that Carpe Diem moment at the end of DEAD POET’S SOCIETY when all the kids stand on their desks.

 

Kay Adams – Diane Keaton/Miley Cyrus

One of the main complaints about THE GODFATHER is that Diane Keaton, who played Michael’s wife Kay Adams, was fugly.  That’s why we’ve decided to upgrade to Kay 2.0 – the wonderfully adorable Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus.

Now, in the first film, Kay and Michael get together way too early.  With the chemistry that Joe and Miley naturally share, we’re going to up the heat in this new GF.  We want to keep the audiences guessing: Will they or won’t they?  They will almost kiss a bunch of times throughout, but their lips won’t actually touch until the last five minutes, so that people can leave the theater feeling happy. 

A lot of the dialogue will stay the same, with some minor changes.  For instance, Kay’s line in GODFATHER II:

“Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn’t a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion.” 

This will become: “Oh, Michael.  Michael, you are blind.  I wasn’t really with Johnny Fontane at the dance.  I only did it to make you jealous.  Jealous, Michael.  But now that you’re jealous I know that you love me.” 

Yes, I know the differences are pretty subtle – but they’re there, I promise!

 

Tom Hagen – Robert Duvall/Zac Efron

We are lucky to have snagged High School Musical star Zac Efron to play the role of Tom Hagen, the Corleone’s family consigliore, originally played by Robert Duvall.  We’re going to change Tom Hagen’s name to “Zac Efron” to make the most of Zac’s star power.  Zac is a great guy with a sad streak because he wants to so badly be one of the Corleone brothers, but isn’t fully accepted as one of them.  It will lead him to perform a song we’re sure is going to be a big ‘tween hit: I’m a Non-Belonger

I’m a Non-Belonger

Just a strummin’ my guitar

They rely on my advice

But don’t trust me completely because I’m not Italian (rhyming to be added later)

 

Connie Corleone Rizzi – Talia Shire/Miranda Cosgrove

The role of Connie Corleone, originally played by Talia Shire, will be played by iCarly herself, Miranda Cosgrove.  Again, Talia Shire’s acting can best be described as “gawky,” whereas iCarly is spunky as heck!  Miranda will show the natural range she exhibited in such iCarly episodes as “iWant My Website Back” and “iHave a Lovesick Teacher.”  To drum up some extra publicity for the show, we’ve arranged for Miranda to email some pictures of her pussy to her boyfriend that will be “accidentally” intercepted by the National Enquirer.  Can you say iScandal?

 

 

Mama Corleone – Morgana King/Nicolette Sheriden

Who better for the matriarch of the Corleone family than one of the Desperate Housewives?  (We tried for Eva Longoria, who is more Wop-ish, but her shooting schedule conflicts).

 

Captain McCluskey – Sterling Hayden/Lee Majors

We ADORED the original corrupt Police Chief played by Hollywood veteran Sterling Hayden, but, we thought, wouldn’t he have been a more worthy foe if he had been… BIONIC!?  Lee Majors bionic legs and arm will come handy in this role, and it will make Michael Corleone’s defeat of him all the more triumphant.

 

Sal Tessio – Abe Vigoda/Freakishly Old Abe Vigoda

We flipped out when we discovered Fish was still alive, and think audiences will too when he reprises his role as turncoat Sal Tessio!  Just in case he dies halfway through filming, we already have a computer graphics team in place, ready to CGI his head onto the body of some other old lanky dude.

 

Apollonia – Simonetta Stefanelli/Vanessa Hudgens

Michael Corleone’s short lived Italian wife does the only nude scene in the movie, so we needed a real whorish ‘tween idol for the role – ala, Vanessa Hudgens, whose online nude pics made the world familiar with her two perky Mouseketeers (tits).

 

Carlo Rizzi – Gianni Russo/Cole Sprouse

Young Cole Sprouse, the star of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, has shown himself adept beyond his years in the role of either Zack or Cody; though doubters may feel differently, we definitely think he’s ready for the difficult role of Carlo Rizzi, Connie Corleone’s abusive husband.  With his talent, plus his power in the pre-Tween marketplace, we think he’ll make the new Carlo bigger and badder than ever before!  

 

And the rest of the cast will be star-studded as well:

Peter Clemenza – Richard Castellano/Jason Alexander

 

Moe Greene – Alex Rocco/Eugene Levy

 

 

Johnny Fontane – Al Martino/Drake Bell

 

Luca Brasi – Lenny Montana/Corbin Bernsen

 

Virgil ‘The Turk’ Sollozzo – Al Lettieri/Jon Cryer

 

Jack Woltz – John Marley/Michael Gross

 

So, come on, kids!  Let’s get those new GODFATHER fan sites going!  In 2010, we’re gonna rock the house (and learn a few life lessons along the way) GANGSTA STYLE!

James Gunn & TTR (Tween-tastic Remakes) Inc.

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