Sep 26, 2007
The Creepiest Things You’ll Ever See
ALIEN. ROSEMARY’S BABY. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. THE THING. We’ve had a few great horror films over the past fifty years, but not a one of them is scary as this shit. These are all "professionally" retouched photos of little girls by real companies on the web.
"Martha."
"Yes, Bob."
"I thought we’d send out a picture of our little Mindy with this year’s Christmas cards."
"Well, that’s a great idea, Bob, theoretically, but – don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Mindy – and she’s adorable – I mean, TO ME – but, her face is rather, it’s, well…"
"Fucked up?"
"Exactly, Bob. Her snaggly teeth, the bags under her eyes. What will people think of me?"
"Well, I believe I have a way to take care of that – "
"Isn’t four a little young for a face-lift, Bob?"
"Not that, dear. I know a guy. He does photo retouching. Doesn’t cost that much. We can turn Mindy into the little girl we always wanted!"
"Fantastic, Bob! And while you’re at it, could you make her face look like a sheet of flat fucking plastic with a couple of taxidermist’s glass eyeballs?"
"Martha!? "
"Yes?"
"What you just said — I’m coming!"
"Abby is ADORABLE. But you know what would make her more adorable? If she was Nathan Lane at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night."
"I am so sick of Victoria’s droopy right eye I can’t even tell you. Mr. Retoucher, honestly, I need you to follow us around and retouch her fucking eye wherever we fucking go, ’cause I just can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’m going to do something crazy, like cut a bitch up, and it will be your fucking fault for not retouching her while she’s all up in my grill wanting a kiss from Daddy and shit, droop, droop, droop, droopin’."
I don’t get it. They put a hat on her? Other than that she looks exactly the same.
If this thing on the right came out of my wife’s womb I’d have to smash it with a stick.
All right, admittedly, you’re gonna lose either way with this one.
"Everything about Beatrice is perfect. Except her fucking head. Let’s give her one that’s more – I don’t know – whore-like."
-
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April 30th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I don’t know why they feel the need to make them so damn flat. It looks like someones just spackled their faces on.
That Beatrice comment cracks me up.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I can’t stop laughing!
April 30th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Scary. I could Photoshop a picture of Chucky in there if they weren’t head shots.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:08 am
This Christmas, what better way for Mommy and Daddy to say, “I can’t stand the fucking sight of you!” than with a retouched photo? Is your child dead? Ask about our Taxidermy plan.
And hey, when you’re not fucking around and REALLY want to damage your child’s psyche, get the Just-Like-Me doll! A real piece of genuine plastic made to look Just! Like! Them!
Sorry, Caucasian dolls only, but we’ll be happy to make a white doll of your black child! What better way to crush her self-esteem? Now force her to smile for the photo! Ah, precious memories!
http://www.mytwinn.com/
April 30th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Apparently those will set you back $75. She also does boys.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:19 am
WTF… thanks. I will now have to drink myself to sleep tonight after seeing this horror.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Good thing I haven’t had breakfast yet. It would be all over my keyboard.
April 30th, 2009 at 9:26 am
SomethingAwful had a confrontation with the woman who does these photos years ago.
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/legal-threats/crazy-doll-lady.php
and, of course, they made a few of their own… here are three of my favorites.
http://twitpic.com/4a2hv
April 30th, 2009 at 9:58 am
These never stop being disturbing–for the images themselves and the motivation and rationale behind them. *shudder* They really do look taxidermied.
It reminds me of that ep of Bones with the dead pageant girl. God I love Boreanz…what were we talking about again?
April 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
The people who think this is a good idea are the same people who put their 2-year-olds in beauty pageants. For an even scarier time, check out ‘Living Dolls’, a documentary about those jerks.
On a side note, those photos are all the more creepier because the touch-up artists suck so bad at Photoshop.
April 30th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Creepy definitely describes it! And what’s with the look of added make-up, especially around their eyes?! Poor kids, sick people… but, funny blog!!
April 30th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Oh god, I remember this website. Some people do NOT know when to put down the Photoshop! :( How does ANYONE think that’s good?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Creepy freaking barbie looking kids. That shit is just wrong.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
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October 26th, 2009 at 7:16 am
holy shit! that is just retarded… like keep me awake at night retarded… like perfectly sculpted eyebrows & lipstick are natural on a 3 month old? oh & don’t forget the audrey hepburn updo! or those creepy anime eyes! i get retouching photos (i don’t approve but i get it) but isn’t the general idea to make it realistic, supposedly “better” but realistic? if it’s so horrible & twisted that everyone knows it’s fake then what’s the point? these people are sick!
October 27th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
[...] If Glamour Shots can’t fix your child’s ugliness, have them retouched to look like a doll! [...]
October 28th, 2009 at 10:51 am
indeed fucked up…the world is sick
October 29th, 2009 at 7:44 am
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[...] Get the bleach eyewash ready… This is horrible! [...]
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