Jul 11, 2006
CRIB DEATH & ROOT BEER: 100 THINGS I FUCKING HATE
1) People who talk in movie theaters
2) America’s Got Talent
3) Bob Geldof
4) Small dead animals
5) Genocide
6) The collected works of Gregg Araki
7) Groucho impressions
8) When people walk like Charlie Chaplin
9) Continuous studio rewrites by additional writers, which almost always seem to fuck up a movie more than help it
10) Monsignor Russell J. Obmann, the pastor at my grade school, St. Joseph’s in Manchester, Missouri, who gave the young boys in my class alcohol and showed them porn, and probably other stuff as well. He was later caught having sex with a male student, but was only reprimanded by the Catholic Church. Now he’s dead.
11) The fact that we all told our parents that Russell J. Obmann was doing this shit, but they thought we were being silly and making up stories because he was a dick even outside of being a child molestor.
12) Hail Mary, the Godard film
13) Toby Keith
14) People who think the films that win Academy Awards are actually the best movies of the year.
15) HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, a Ron Howard film
16) Anyone who is ever mean to my wife (which includes myself on occasion)
17) Cantaloupe
18) When Scooby says “Cowabunga” in the first SCOOBY-DOO (no, I didn’t write it, and, in all the films I’ve made, it’s probably the thing that makes me cringe the most. Well, that and – )
19) When Nicole goes to save the dog in DAWN OF THE DEAD.
20) The belief that gay people can somehow make themselves not gay through therapy, religion, or whatever else…
21) The SPAWN movie
22) Almost all paintings before 1850 that dont have devils or demons in them. Sorry.
23) Large outdoor events
24) Waiting in line
25) People who butt in line
26) Such as Perry King
27) Cheap toilet paper
28) Every once in a while when I’m wearing contacts an allergen will get beneath my contact and irritate my eye and I’ll get a big eye bubble. I hate that. (The first time this happened, I had taken my contact out, and I saw the bubble. I thought it was my contact in the bottom of my eye! I tried to pick it out by pinching it with my fingernails, but I was actually picking at my eye skin. Actually, I hated the actual act – but the story is a thing I fucking love).
29) Touching subway holds, elevator rails, and other dirty, greasy, disgusting things
30) Like Constantine from American Idol
31) And since I’ve outed myself as a reality show geek, I hate “the friendship” from Big Brother 6 even more.
32) Being stuck in a small room with someone who is coughing.
33) Angst
34) The fact that when I die, I’m probably just gone forever.
35) The thought that if I die, there is a small chance that my soul may live forever, and that could potentially be excruciatingly boring.
36) Getting a rare chance to listen to the Phil Hendrie radio show, and, instead of doing his great comedy and characters, he’s blustering on about his political views.
37) Licorice
38) The flu
39) The term “brain fart”
40) Gonorrhea
41) The “shock ending” of HAUTE TENSION
42) The aliens in SIGNS are destroyed by water!!
43) Slavery
44) Roughing it
45) Telling someone I don’t have time to read his/her script
46) When someone believes his or her religion is the only true religion
47) This includes fundamentalist Atheism
48) In SUPERMAN, when Christopher Reeve goes around the world and makes time go backwards, marring an otherwise perfect film. Wait a minute, no -
49) There’s also the Lois poetry scene -
I don’t know who you are
Just a friend from another star
Here I am like a kid out of school
Holding hands with a god
I’m a fool
Barf!
50) The exclamation, “Barf!”
51) This is a strange one: I don’t like when straight women make out with each other just to turn on guys. There’s something about it that makes me very sad.
52) Back hair
53) Getting a long hair stuck between my teeth when I suck on a woman’s nipple.
54) Okay. Honestly? Michelle Rodriguez on Lost. Thank God she’s dead.
55) My fear of dirty bombs
56) The fact that my ex-long-term girlfriend still hates my guts, which I probably deserve, but it doesnt feel any less shitty.
57) GODFATHER III
58) THE PHANTOM MENACE (warning for the future – if I ever get the chance to meet George Lucas, I’m deleting this entry. Call me a sell-out if you will.)
59) My own acting in the first Minute Man speaking scene in THE SPECIALS (with Deadly Girl, on TV -it makes me cringe).
60) Europeans putting down Americans
61) The unfortunate truth that Americans really are stupider than Europeans (or at least less well-educated).
62) Crib death
63) Root beer
64) The inhumane treatment of animals on farms. I’m not against killing animals for food. But we should have respect for the lives that are the source of this food.
65) My love for foies gras, which I quit eating after finding out how it’s prepared.
66) Macho dumbfucks who keep lions as pets
67) Brian Heidik, for shooting a puppy
68) Back injuries
69) When I lie to someone, without thinking, to make myself look better, and then feel really sick about it afterwards.
70) My temper
71) Especially on the road
72) Aging
73) Swollen glands
74) When film directors play Gameboy, talk on their cell phones, or use their BlackBerrys when they’re supposed to be directing the fucking scene (you heard me, Uwe Boll).
75) The same goes to directors who come to set unprepared (that’s right, Tim Story). Directing is a privilege! It shouldnt be abused! (Especially when you’re directing the fucking Fantastic Four movie!)
76) The first Michael Keaton Batman, for being terribly boring, and also because the Joker was responsible for Batman’s parents’ deaths!!!
77) When people say BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID is the greatest Western of all time.
78) Food poisoning
79) Kabuki Sushi, next to the Bridge Cinemas
80) Fast food
81) When you’re having a discussion with someone from Landmark Forum and they say Got it after everything you fucking say.
82) When guys don’t clip their long nostril hair
83) When old Justice League comics had to fit fucking Aquaman into their plots
84) You know that thing when a guy makes a peace sign with his fingers and then flaps his tongue around in there like it’s a pussy? And he does it to a woman walking down the street, or through the window of his car? I fucking hate that dude so much.
85) I’m allergic to my cat.
86) When people pretend to be Beavis and Butthead after someone says a homonym to a dirty word.
87) When pitching a movie, it’s almost a rule that you have to compare it to two other hit movies, phrased like, “It’s PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN meets ALIENS.” I do it because I have to, but I hate myself for it.
88) The dozens of people I met along my early life who told me that it was impossible to make a living in the entertainment industry, and that I was a delusional dreamer. Not to let my ego get too out-of-control, but I now make more money than all of you combined. Fuck you, you Goddamn Bittermans (read Jenna’s acting blog to get the reference).
89) REALITY BITES
90) Touching poop
91) Child rape
92) Animal-human porn
93) Robert Wuhl’s craptacular performance in COBB, an otherwise terrific film
94) When someone puts down a movie or show I’ve worked on or someone close to me has worked on, as if that’s information I’d like to have. For instance, I got an email from an acquaintance asking me for a favor, and, in the email, he said, “By the way, I saw DAWN OF THE DEAD last night – thats all I’m going to say about that.” You expect me to do you a favor after that?!! Another time I had to endure a bus ride with some people I knew while two of them, knowing full well to whom I was married, had a long conversation about how the British Office is so much better than the American Office. Listen, I honestly don’t care if you dont like DAWN OF THE DEAD, or The Office, or anything else. But that doesn’t mean I want to have a damn discussion with you about it, or that your opinion is somehow enhances my personal-growth.
95) Shitting in public places
96) This photo of me, which has to be one of the worst ever taken, and yet shows up all the time on the ‘Net:
97) Picnics
98) My paunch
99) Racists
100) Pregnant strippers
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